Greeting Cards

Real cards that let you say what you probably shouldn’t

In order to appreciate Zippernut greetings, you’ve gotta have a healthy sense of humor. If you’re super serious, look elsewhere. If you’re looking for something sappy, take a hike and shop the big boys. These cards are all about fun at the expense of the recipient. Show some spunk by giving someone a greeting card that says in writing what you wouldn’t dare say to them out loud.

Greeting cards are the flagship of the Zippernut Press™ product line. As with all of our products, the general theme here is sarcasm, surprise, and friendly nastiness. Zippernut Press™ greetings are printed on bright white paper that’s responsibly sourced and 10% post-consumer recycled. Each card includes a tempting tidbit on the front and a little something nasty inside. Of course, an envelope is included for posting by mail, for making a personal handoff, or for sneaking onto someone’s desk when they’re not looking.

Don’t miss our Cancer Sucks! series, which generates funds for cancer research while helping you to inject a sorely needed smile into the life of someone who is currently in a struggle with cancer (or just affected by it).

Here’s a list of our current everyday cards in case you’re calling in an order to your favorite Zippernut Press™ retailer.

Everyday Greeting Cards

Item #	Front	Inside
ZNP1008	Another year older and you still look so young!	Just kidding.
ZNP1010 *	I know that you’re younger than me.	But who could tell?
ZNP1034	I don’t know what you see in me.	But Im glad that you see it.
ZNP1038	…And God made man in His own image. And God said,…	“Hold on, that can’t be right!”
ZNP1039	And on the seventh day He rested. And God said,…	“I wonder how much trouble these two little shits can get into?”
ZNP1042	Wow, another year older.	I don’t care what everyone else says. I don’t think you look feeble.
ZNP1053	You have always been more popular than me, but I’ve learned to accept it and it doesn’t bother me so much any more.	Bitch.
ZNP1071 *	Today is the first day of the rest of your life.	Don’t fuck it up.
ZNP1095	You’re my best friend.	Except when you’re really pissing me off.
ZNP1102	You’ve come to an age where you no longer need to wear a bra.	Now you can just tuck ’em in.
ZNP1106	There are a lot of benefits to getting older.	But I can’t think of a single one.
ZNP1107	As people age, they become wiser and more mature.	You must be a lot younger than you look.
ZNP1109	If you have a little trouble blowing out your birthday candles this year…	…turn around and bend over. That should take care of it.
ZNP1110	As you get older, your eyes start to play tricks on you.	[Overlapped]: Good thing you’re not that old/It looks like you’re in trouble.
ZNP1116	You’re perfect.	Just like me.
ZNP1117 *	Cynicism is a healthy attitude.	It allows you to be unfazed by the regular shitstorm of life.
ZNP1119	I really like you.	Do you have any idea how cool that makes you?
ZNP1121	There’s something I’ve been wanting to say, but it never seems like it’s going to come out the right way…	You’re my favorite fuck buddy.
ZNP1127 *	If you find yourself looking in the mirror and thinking you just don’t look as young and attractive as you used to…	…at least you know your eyesight is still pretty good.
ZNP1128	You know you’re getting old if you want to clean the lint out of your belly button…	…but your breasts are in the way.
ZNP1175	Please get well soon.	I’m tired of you getting all the attention.
ZNP1176	A person starts life as a baby, then becomes a toddler, then a child, a pre-teen, a teenager, a young adult, middle-aged, and finally old. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s between “middle-aged” and “old” and I finally did.	You.
ZNP1186	You’re always so calm, level-headed, and happy.	Thank God for pharmaceuticals.
ZNP1222	Sometimes, as I notice people around me growing older, I pause and take a long critical look at myself in the mirror.	Then I smile and think, “Damn, I look good!”
ZNP1226	I love everything about you.	Of course, there are certain parts that I find particularly fascinating.
ZNP1237	I heard someone saying, “Life sucks a big one”…	…and of course I thought of you.
ZNP1245 *	I’m twice as good at math as at least half the people I know, so believe me when I say…	…you look less than half as old as someone three times your age.
ZNP1246	It’s nice having a friend who’s youthful and attractive and full of vitality.	Wouldn’t it be nice if I were saying that about you?
ZNP1248	Please act your age.	Well, I don’t mean just roll over and die or anything.
ZNP1249 *	Sure, you’re getting pretty old, but I just know you’re going to keep hanging in there for quite a while longer.	…if for no other reason than to keep fucking with the rest of us.
ZNP1253 *	I just realized how old you are.	Holy Shit!
ZNP1258 *	wtf?	No, really. WHAT the FUCK!?
ZNP1263 *	I love you. I respect you. I’ll cherish you always.	Wanna fuck?
ZNP1264	Kiss me.	But don’t stop there.
ZNP1269	Special occasion or not, I think you deserve to have your cake…	…and eat me, too.
ZNP1271 *	You seem to have stopped aging. You really don’t look any older than you did years ago.	It’s true. You’ve actually looked this old for quite a while now.
ZNP1273	I think I might be part dog.	Every time I’m around you, I have this overwhelming urge to stick my nose in your crotch.
ZNP1274 *	I don’t think I’ve ever told you that you’re one of the most incredible people I know.	As a matter of fact, I’m positive I haven’t. And don’t expect me to lie just to make you happy.
ZNP1280	If you still look this good in ten years…	Oh, let’s not waste time conjecturing about things that are so unlikely.
ZNP1281	Bummer about your recent diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer’s.	You remember about that, right?
ZNP1282	You’re growing a bit more beautiful every year.	Hopefully you’re younger than you look, because there’s a whole lot of room for improvement.
ZNP1283	As you’re aging, I’m aging, too.	That’s actually a good thing for me, because it means my eyes are getting worse and I can’t see you as well.
ZNP1284	I hope you get a truly wonderful gift.	And I hope it’s a gift for me.
ZNP1285	If you were a piñata and the kids cracked you open, they wouldn’t find any candy.	…because you’re completely full of shit.
ZNP1286	Everyone loves being around you.	That’s mostly because everyone around you looks really good by comparison.
ZNP1287	Everyone is born with natural talents.	Maybe someday you’ll discover yours.
ZNP1288	I love you even more than I love myself.	And that’s a lot.
ZNP1289	I Love You	Psych!
ZNP1290	You think pets have it bad?	At least you get to use toilet paper to clean your butthole.
ZNP1291	They say perfection takes time.	But seriously, how long are you going to keep everyone waiting?
ZNP1292	You’re matriculating in front of your whole class?	Um…well, at least wash your hands when you’re done.
ZNP1293	Fun Fact: Mother birds feed their babies worms and bugs so that they can grow strong enough to leave the nest. I was just thinking about the almost universal nurturing instinct of a new mother for her babies.	And I was also kind of wondering if you ever fed me worms.
ZNP1294	Father’s Day is a special day set aside each year during which every father is expected to want to do what the women in his life think he should want to do.	Happy Father’s Day. And act like you enjoy it.
ZNP1295	Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.	For example, you’re beautiful to me, but my eyes aren’t really what they used to be.
ZNP1296	Happy Barfday.	Seriously, being your age could make anyone want to puke.
ZNP1297	I completely forgot your birthday.	And not just because you’re so completely forgettable.
ZNP1298	I can’t seem to remember how old you are.	I’ll just have to go with Very.
ZNP1299	Sometimes the whole love thing makes me kind of gag.	Especially when I get a hair stuck in my throat.
ZNP1300	I’m bad at lip-reading. When you form the word “You”, you know what I see?	Blowjob.
ZNP1301	Aren’t you happy that I like you so much?	Oops. Typo. I mean, aren’t you happy that I lick you so much?
ZNP1302	If we aren’t perfect for each other…	…then what’s wrong with you?
ZNP1303	If at first you don’t succeed…	…you probably fucked something up.
ZNP1304	If you could see yourself as I see you…	…you’d find it hard to keep a straight face, too.
NEW: ZNP1305	I love you so much, it hurts.	Maybe we should try some lube.
NEW: ZNP1306	Getting old is bullshit.	Like being NOT old, but worse.
CANCER SUCKS!
ZNP1132	You’ve always been good looking.	But since you started treatments, you’re radiating more than just beauty.
ZNP1133	You really have a nice, healthy glow.	It must be the high-quality radioactive isotopes.
ZNP1139	When I heard you had a tumor, I thought it explained a lot.	Then I found out it wasn’t in your brain, so I’m still stumped.
ZNP1167	Someone told me you have “the c-word”.	You know, in our progressive and open society, you shouldn’t be embarrassed to just come out and say, “I’ve got crabs.”
ZNP1170 *	Cancer.	It just fucking sucks.
ZNP1187	The food industry irradiates meat and milk to make it last longer.	There’s no reason it shouldn’t work for you, too.
ZNP1189	Chemotherapy takes a toll on your schedule, drains your physical reserves, and is costly in so many other ways.	But I’ll bet you’re going to end up saving a bundle on haircuts.
ZNP1239	Since you were diagnosed with cancer, you’ve been getting a huge amount of attention.	When this is over, maybe you should just stick with obscurity.
* = top seller