The general theme of the Zippernut Press™ greeting card line is sarcasm, surprise, and friendly nastiness.

In order to appreciate Zippernut greetings, one must have a healthy sense of humor. Some cards include sexual innuendo or even blatant lewdness, and there are a few that include words that would get a third grader into a lot of trouble, but most of them would be fine for your spunky grandmother.

Zippernut greetings are folded cards printed on bright white cardstock which is responsibly sourced and 10% recycled. Each includes the signature Zippernut Press circle of dots and a message on the front, with a little something nasty inside. A brightly-colored envelope is included for mailing or for a personal handoff.

Don't miss the Cancer Sucks!™ series of Zippernut greetings, which generates funds for cancer research while injecting a sorely needed smile into the life of someone currently in a struggle with cancer.

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Hip!	Item	Category	Front of Card	Inside of Card
2	ZNP1001	Birthday/Aging	I can't believe you just turned a year older.	Looks more like ten. (Happy Birthday.)
2	ZNP1002	Miscellaneous Miss You	It seems like forever since I've heard from you.	Thanks.
2	ZNP1003	Special Occ. Baby	I can't believe you're pregnant!	What were you thinking?
2	ZNP1004	Miscellaneous	I've always thought you were one of the most wonderful people in the world.	It seems I've been wrong about so many things.
2	ZNP1005	Special Occ. Marriage	When I heard you were getting married, I was so happy for you.	Then I remembered who you're marrying.
2	ZNP1006	Special Occ.	I was so happy to hear about your fantastic news.	Then I remembered I don't really like you, so I got over it.
2	ZNP1007	Relationships	My mother always told me I'd find the perfect person to spend the rest of my life with.	I guess you'll do.
1	ZNP1008	Birthday/Aging	Another year older and you still look so young!	Just kidding. (Happy Birthday.)
2	ZNP1009	Miscellaneous Miss You	When I think of how long it's been since we've seen each other...	I'm so thankful.
0	ZNP1010	Birthday/Aging	I know that you're younger than me.	But who could tell?
1	ZNP1011	Relationships	Now seems like the right time to tell you how perfect you are.	Except for several annoying little traits that I have written down, but now doesn't seem like the right time to tell you about those.
2	ZNP1012	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	Morning sickness. Hormonal rollercoasters. Childbirth. 3AM feedings. Carpool. Playgroups. Teenage angst. College tuition. Motherhood is hell.	You're a saint.
2	ZNP1013	Special Occ. New Job	Congratulations on your promotion.	I didn't even know you actually worked.
2	ZNP1014	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	If we weren't related...	You'd be my best friend anyway.
2	ZNP1015	Relationships	Every time I think of you...	My crotch twitches.
2	ZNP1016	Relationships	Every time you sit on your favorite chair...	I wish it were me.
2	ZNP1017	Miscellaneous	You're my favorite person.	If you don't count me.
2	ZNP1018	Miscellaneous Miss You	If I had a nickel for every time we've talked to each other in the last year...	I might actually have a nickel. Miss you.
2	ZNP1019	Miscellaneous Sorry	You were right. I was wrong. You were right. I was wrong. You were right. I was wrong.	I'm sorry.
2	ZNP1020	Miscellaneous Divorce	I hear your ex got hurt in a freak accident.	Tee-hee.
2	ZNP1021	Miscellaneous	Every time I look at you...	I feel so much better about myself.
2	ZNP1022	Relationships	Don't question my compassion for you. If you were on a feeding tube...	I'd gladly withhold fluids.
2	ZNP1023	Relationships	We've been together so long...	I can't even remember why.
2	ZNP1024	Relationships	I love you.	Especially when you're naked.
2	ZNP1025	Relationships	There's only one thing better than you with almost nothing on...	You with absolutely nothing on.
2	ZNP1026	Relationships	If you loved me like I love you...	You wouldn't be able to keep your hands off me.
2	ZNP1027	Relationships	There are so many things I'd like to do with you.	And I'm pretty sure a few of them are illegal.
2	ZNP1028	Relationships	Whenever I get up on the wrong side of the bed...	I want it to be because you were on the other side.
2	ZNP1029	Relationships	I like being me.	But I would also like being your lingerie.
2	ZNP1030	Relationships	The best thing about you...	Is that you like me.
2	ZNP1031	Relationships	I love you.	For no apparent reason.
2	ZNP1032	Relationships	In case you hadn't noticed...	I've got the hots for you.
1	ZNP1033	Relationships	I would love to go with you to a romantic dinner for two, the theater, and maybe a little dancing before taking you home and hopping into bed.	Or we could just skip all that preliminary crap.
1	ZNP1034	Relationships	I don't know what you see in me.	But I'm glad that you see it.
2	ZNP1035	Relationships	If your parents hadn't hated me so much, we wouldn't have had such a good reason to stay together.	Let's remember to thank them.
2	ZNP1036	Relationships	I've always loved big, strong men with riveting eyes and sculpted features.	But I like you, too.
2	ZNP1037	Birthday/Aging	Everyone - no matter how healthy, no matter how wealthy, no matter how powerful or important - keeps getting older and eventually dies.	Bummer.
1	ZNP1038	Miscellaneous	...And God made man in His own image. And God said,...	"Hold on, that can't be right!"
1	ZNP1039	Miscellaneous	And on the seventh day He rested. And God said,...	"I wonder how much trouble these two little shits can get into?"
2	ZNP1040	Special Occ. Baby	Congratulations on your new baby!	Let's hope like hell it inherits the best traits from each of you.
2	ZNP1041	Miscellaneous	Have fun visiting your relatives.	Try to come back alive.
0	ZNP1042	Birthday/Aging	Happy Birthday! Wow, another year older.	I don't care what everyone else says. I don't think you look feeble.
1	ZNP1043	Birthday/Aging	If it makes you feel any better...	You're not as old as you look.
2	ZNP1044	Birthday/Aging	I've heard of people getting "long in the teeth" as they get older.	But you seem to be getting kind of "long in the teats".
2	ZNP1045	Birthday/Aging	Four score and seven years ago...	Is about the time you were born, isn't it?
2	ZNP1046	Birthday/Aging	You never told me about when you were born.	Did your parents scream out loud or just act like they thought you might turn out okay in the long run?
2	ZNP1047	Relationships	If we were super-rich, we would probably sleep in separate beds at opposite ends of the house.	Fortunately, our net worth is negative so we can spoon.
2	ZNP1048	Relationships	I've been worrying lately about your health.	Maybe we should switch to the padded handcuffs.
2	ZNP1049	Miscellaneous	Our creator gave us free will.	Maybe that was a mistake.
2	ZNP1050	Relationships	You're the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me... the most loving, adorable, caring person I've ever known... the one I truly cherish...	You're not really falling for this crap, are you?
2	ZNP1051	Miscellaneous	Whenever you speak, I listen and wonder,...	"Why me?"
2	ZNP1052	Relationships	I am sorry, but I find it necessary to terminate our relationship for the following reason(s)...	• You're stupid • You're mean • I found someone better • Spending time with you has made me realize how much I like being alone • I just figured out that I don't like you • I had planned on a monogamous relationship • You're not my type • You're not good enough for me • I'm too good for you
0	ZNP1053	Miscellaneous	You have always been more popular than me, but I've learned to accept it and it doesn't bother me so much any more.	Bitch.
2	ZNP1054	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	The best things in life are free.	Of course, the things you actually need cost money. Can I have some?
1	ZNP1055	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	I want to pay you back for all the expenses you have incurred on my behalf throughout my life.	Unfortunately, I can't afford to.
2	ZNP1056	Miscellaneous	Life is just a bowl of cherries.	And I'm drowning in maraschino syrup.
2	ZNP1057	Relationships	Whenever I'm near you...	I wanna lock lips.
2	ZNP1058	Relationships	I know I haven't been very good lately.	Please spank me.
2	ZNP1059	Relationships	If you weren't the mother of my children...	I'd want you to be the mother of my children.
2	ZNP1061	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	You have proven yourself to be a wonderful mother.	I guess I was right to knock you up.
2	ZNP1062	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	I wouldn't hesitate to give you first place in the contest for Best Mother.	If it weren't for Bambi's mom.
2	ZNP1063	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	As a mother, you have experienced the discomfort of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, and zillions of minor trials and tribulations since then.	Better you than me.
2	ZNP1064	Miscellaneous Divorce	Divorce is no laughing matter.	But you're right, that loser really is a joke.
2	ZNP1065	Birthday/Aging	I can say in all honesty...	You don't look a day over 100.
2	ZNP1066	Birthday/Aging	As they get older, most people get slower and clumsier, develop gray hair and wrinkles, and start to forget things.	So I guess you're not so unusual after all.
2	ZNP1067	Miscellaneous	I like modern art.	I just don't like looking at most of it.
2	ZNP1068	Miscellaneous	You're the kind of friend that everyone should have.	The kind that gives really good gifts.
0	ZNP1071	Special Occ. Graduation	Today is the first day of the rest of your life.	Don't fuck it up.
2	ZNP1072	Miscellaneous	I made a list of my five best friends, and you didn't make the cut.	You were beat out by Margarita, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Tom Collins, and Bloody Mary.
2	ZNP1073	Birthday/Aging	Why is it that every year I look a year older...	And every year you don't?
0	ZNP1074	Birthday/Aging	Congratulations on yet another 29th birthday.	Whatever.
1	ZNP1075	Special Occ. Graduation	Congratulations on your graduation. It's the end of an era of studying, partying, testing, and summer vacations, and the beginning of an era of work, responsibility, stress, and long-term financial planning that will last until you die.	Boy, are you screwed.
2	ZNP1082	Miscellaneous	Global warming doesn't exist.	We're just undergoing a temporary global climate adjustment that will correct itself naturally during the first 100,000 or so years after the human race extinguishes itself.
2	ZNP1083	Miscellaneous	All the weird stuff going on in the world right now really boggles the mind.	But that's probably not a new sensation for you, is it?
2	ZNP1084	Miscellaneous	I think anyone should be allowed to smoke in public if they want to.	And, by the same token, I think that I should be allowed to: • fart in small, crowded spaces. • sneeze without covering my mouth. • spit on the sidewalk. • pick my nose and wipe the snot on strangers. • force feed small doses of carcinogenic substances to young children.
2	ZNP1085	Miscellaneous	Life in the suburbs is so pleasant.	It's such a comforting goal to be exactly the same as everybody else.
2	ZNP1086	Special Occ. Retirement	Happy Retirement! For a while, I was wondering how you'd handle having all that time on your hands with nothing productive to do.	Then I realized that's no different from what you've been doing for years.
2	ZNP1087	Special Occ. New Job	Congratulations on your new job!	Did you use a stand-in for your interview, or is your new employer just that stupid?
2	ZNP1088	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	You're the perfect Dad.	Here's where you say, "It's easy when you have the perfect child. Do you need anything, like a new car?"
2	ZNP1089	Relationships	Being the mother of your children has made me so happy.	But don't even think of doing that to me again!
2	ZNP1090	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	You're one of the best dads in the world.	Too bad you're not mine.
2	ZNP1091	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	If I were your child...	...I'd be proud to call you my father.
2	ZNP1092	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	You're the best dad I could have asked for.	If I had asked for another one, you probably would have smacked me.
2	ZNP1094	Miscellaneous	I say kill off anyone who has a different religion, culture, skin tone, or belief system.	I'm sure I'll be happy when I'm the only one left.
1	ZNP1095	Relationships	You're my best friend.	Except when you're really pissing me off.
2	ZNP1096	Relationships	I think I'd have to say that you're my favorite person to hang around with.	If you were.
2	ZNP1097	Special Occ. Graduation	You're my favorite teacher.	Can I have an A?
2	ZNP1098	Miscellaneous Moving	I'm so bummed to hear you're moving away.	Can I have your clothes?
2	ZNP1099	Relationships	I think we get along so well because we both have similar interests.	Me.
2	ZNP1100	Special Occ. Moving	I'm sorry you're leaving.	But that's just me. I don't think anyone else is.
2	ZNP1101	Miscellaneous Get Well	Here's to a speedy recovery.	With any luck, you'll turn out better than you started.
1	ZNP1102	Birthday/Aging	You've come to an age where you no longer need to wear a bra.	Now you can just tuck 'em in.
2	ZNP1103	Birthday/Aging	Men appreciate a little jiggle when you walk.	But that's supposed to be when you're walking toward them.
2	ZNP1104	Birthday/Aging	Sometimes, thinking about getting older makes me want to tear my hair out.	Looks like you've been feeling the same way.
2	ZNP1105	Birthday/Aging	I'm blinded by my love for you.	Or maybe it's just the reflection from the top of your head.
1	ZNP1106	Birthday/Aging	There are a lot of benefits to getting older.	But I can't think of a single one.
0	ZNP1107	Birthday/Aging	As people age, they become wiser and more mature.	You must be a lot younger than you look.
2	ZNP1108	Birthday/Aging	I admire people who have become old and wise like you.	But I'm happy being young and stupid for now.
1	ZNP1109	Birthday/Aging	If you have a little trouble blowing out your birthday candles this year...	...turn around and bend over. That should take care of it.
0	ZNP1110	Birthday/Aging	As you get older, your eyes start to play tricks on you.	[Garbled text.]
2	ZNP1111	Birthday/Aging	Sorry I missed your birthday. It's not that I wasn't thinking about you...	It's just that I didn't really care.
2	ZNP1112	Birthday/Aging	I thought about you on your birthday.	Then, after a few milliseconds, you completely slipped my mind.
2	ZNP1113	Miscellaneous Get Well	Get well.	Physically, at least. I don't think anyone really expects much from you mentally.
2	ZNP1114	Relationships	I love gazing at you, touching you, kissing you, fondling you...	It's too bad you're both usually tucked away inside a bra.
2	ZNP1115	Miscellaneous	I've thought a lot about our differences, and I really think we should get things cleared up. Let's pretend for a moment that I'm a delicious, piping hot pastry, and you're hungry.	Bite me.
1	ZNP1116	Relationships	You're perfect.	Just like me.
2	ZNP1117	Miscellaneous	Cynicism is a healthy attitude.	It allows you to be unfazed by the regular shitstorm of life.
2	ZNP1118	Miscellaneous	I was driving down the highway the other day and got stuck for a few minutes behind this big truck with a sign that said "WIDE LOAD".	Then, for some reason, I thought of you.
0	ZNP1119	Miscellaneous	I really like you.	Do you have any idea how cool that makes you?
2	ZNP1120	Relationships	I love you like nobody's business.	And what I'd love to do with you is nobody's business, either.
0	ZNP1121	Relationships	There's something I've been wanting to say, but it never seems like it's going to come out the right way...	You're my favorite fuck buddy.
1	ZNP1122	Special Occ. Graduation	So you're graduating...	They just don't flunk anyone any more, do they?
2	ZNP1123	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	Mom, I love you, and I would love to take you on an all-day shopping adventure.	Bring your credit cards. Don't worry, I'll pay for lunch.
2	ZNP1124	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	Mom, it's easy to see where my good looks come from.	And Dad still looks pretty good, doesn't he?
2	ZNP1125	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	Dad, I think I've turned out pretty well due to your influence.	Thanks for being Mom's sperm donor.
1	ZNP1127	Birthday/Aging	If you find yourself looking in the mirror and thinking you just don't look as young and attractive as you used to...	...at least you know your eyesight is still pretty good.
0	ZNP1128	Birthday/Aging	You know you're getting old if you want to clean the lint out of your belly button...	...but your breasts are in the way.
2	ZNP1129	Birthday/Aging	You're officially old if you can soak in the bathtub for an hour...	...and come out with LESS wrinkles.
2	ZNP1130	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	You are the most wonderful mother.	No, I haven't been drinking.
2	ZNP1131	Birthday/Aging	Remember when you used to buy underwear described by words like "lace", "string" and "silk"?	Now the best you can hope for are the words "super absorbent".
1	ZNP1132	Cancer Sucks!™	You've always been good looking.	But since you started treatments, you're radiating more than just beauty.
1	ZNP1133	Cancer Sucks!™	You really have a nice, healthy glow.	It must be the high-quality radioactive isotopes.
2	ZNP1134	Cancer Sucks!™	I guess your chemo treatments are pretty expensive.	You know, lots of people pay good money to actually GROW hair.
2	ZNP1135	Cancer Sucks!™	I'+D29ve heard people say that cancer is really the shits.	But I had no idea they meant it literally.
1	ZNP1136	Cancer Sucks!™	The stress of cancer is enough to make your hair fall out.	And the chemo helps things right along.
2	ZNP1137	Cancer Sucks!™	A lot of women have their breasts enlarged, but it's not unheard of to run across someone who wants them smaller.	Even so, don't you think you're taking things to an extreme?
1	ZNP1138	Cancer Sucks!™	Maybe you're like everyone else and like things up-sized, oversized, king-sized, and super-sized.	But next time, try to avoid anything that's metastasized.
1	ZNP1139	Cancer Sucks!™	When I heard you had a tumor, I thought it explained a lot.	Then I found out it wasn't in your brain, so I'm still stumped.
2	ZNP1140	Birthday/Aging	You remind me of those ads for age-defying cream.	You know, the "before" pictures.
2	ZNP1141	Miscellaneous	If I had your beauty and intelligence...	I'd be the ugliest kid in third grade.
2	ZNP1143	Relationships	How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...	Give me a minute, I'm thinking...
2	ZNP1145	Relationships	When I close my eyes, concentrate, and visualize perfection...	I see you.
2	ZNP1146	Miscellaneous	I really hope you like your gift.	Even though you don't deserve it.
1	ZNP1147	Special Occ. Congratulations	Congratulations.	I don't know why, but surely you've done something noteworthy by now.
2	ZNP1148	Birthday/Aging	You're still as beautiful as the day you were born.	Of course at the time you were wrinkly, whiny, virtually bald, and covered with goo.
2	ZNP1149	Birthday/Aging	I was thinking that maybe this year, instead of traditional birthday gifts,...	...we could all just pitch in with contributions toward your memorial marker.
2	ZNP1150	Birthday/Aging	The older you get, the more beautiful you become.	That never really has sounded very believable, has it?
1	ZNP1151	Birthday/Aging	When I was younger and my parents were about the age you are now...	...boy, did they seem old.
1	ZNP1152	Birthday/Aging	So many people, when they get to be your age,...	...are dead.
2	ZNP1153	Birthday/Aging	The last time I was with someone who looked as good as you...	...I was helping the old fart move from "assisted living" to "skilled nursing".
2	ZNP1154	Miscellaneous	Has anyone ever told you that you're wonderful to have around?	Didn't think so.
2	ZNP1156	Special Occ. New Job	It's great to hear you got a new job.	They must not have checked your references.
2	ZNP1157	Miscellaneous	You could be a supermodel.	Except you might not be quite tall enough or skinny enough, and you don't really have that slinky walk or that sultry look, and your eyes aren't quite big enough, and your legs aren't quite long enough, and your lips aren't quite pouty enough....
2	ZNP1158	Relationships	You're the hottest thing in pants.	You're even hotter with no pants.
2	ZNP1159	Relationships	If I could choose between a rich, sexy, popular movie star and you,...	...well, no offense, but of course I'd take the movie star.
2	ZNP1160	Miscellaneous	Time spent with you is always an experience to remember.	Like having my teeth drilled without novocaine.
2	ZNP1161	Miscellaneous	When I picture you naked...	...it cracks me up.
2	ZNP1162	Birthday/Aging	Like fine wines, some people get better with age.	Unfortunately, you're aging more like a warm wedge of Limburger.
2	ZNP1163	Birthday/Aging	At your age, you could wear a push-up bra...	...and the contents would still hover somewhere near your waist.
2	ZNP1164	Birthday/Aging	You look as trim and fit as you did ten years ago.	Just brushing up on my little white lies.
2	ZNP1165	Birthday/Aging	I've heard that a man's genitalia begins to shrink in his twilight years.	You must be really old.
2	ZNP1166	Relationships	You're pretty good looking when I'm sober, and after I've had a few drinks...	...you even make sense.
1	ZNP1167	Cancer Sucks!™	Someone told me you have "the c-word".	You know, in our progressive and open society, you shouldn't be embarrassed to just come out and say, "I've got crabs."
2	ZNP1168	Cancer Sucks!™	There are so many weight loss options.	Cancer is definitely effective.
2	ZNP1169	Cancer Sucks!™	A lot of people are talking about your prostate cancer.	Wow, some guys will do almost anything to focus attention on Mr. Willy.
0	ZNP1170	Cancer Sucks!™	Cancer.	It just fucking sucks.
1	ZNP1171	Cancer Sucks!™	You know the best thing about a mastectomy?	Less to squeeze at your next mammogram.
2	ZNP1172	Cancer Sucks!™	With focus and determination, you can recover from surgery, struggle through chemo, survive radiation, and ultimately live through cancer.	But the bills are probably gonna kill you anyway.
1	ZNP1173	Birthday/Aging	I missed your birthday!	Big surprise.
2	ZNP1174	Miscellaneous Sorry	Oops.	Sorry.
1	ZNP1175	Miscellaneous Get Well	Please get well soon.	I'm tired of you getting all the attention.
1	ZNP1176	Birthday/Aging	A person starts life as a baby, then becomes a toddler, then a child, a pre-teen, a teenager, a young adult, middle-aged, and finally old. I've been trying to figure out what's between "middle-aged" and "old" and I finally did.	You.
2	ZNP1177	Miscellaneous	You might think I drink too much, but I have a good reason that you should appreciate.	The more I drink, the better you look.
2	ZNP1178	Miscellaneous Get Well	With a little rest and tender loving care, you'll be back in action in no time.	But really...at your age, what's the point?
2	ZNP1179	Special Occ. Marriage	I hear you're getting married.	Wow, I am SO sorry!
2	ZNP1180	Special Occ. Marriage	So you've decided to get married.	We all make mistakes.
2	ZNP1181	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	You probably don't realize how special you are to me.	You know, you really are one of my favorite parents.
2	ZNP1182	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	The best thing about having a dad like you...	...is knowing that my dad was cool enough to raise a kid like me.
2	ZNP1183	Special Occ. Graduation	Graduation... Time to get & keep a steady job, find a decent place to live, arrive on time, and pay for your own meals, transportation, insurance, entertainment, toiletries...	Did you think hazing was just a college thing?
2	ZNP1184	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	Mother's Day is a day set aside to reflect on the wonderful times you have shared with your mother and the sacrifices she has made throughout your life.	It's the other 99.7% of the year you can't stop pondering the seemingly unendurable torture of growing up with her unreasonable demands, sadistic punishments, and debilitating guilt.
1	ZNP1185	Relationships	I can't love you any more.	The needle on my love meter is already tilted all the way to the right.
1	ZNP1186	Miscellaneous	You're always so calm, level-headed, happy, and nice.	Thank God for pharmaceuticals.
1	ZNP1187	Cancer Sucks!™	The food industry irradiates meat and milk to make it last longer.	There's no reason it shouldn't work for you, too.
1	ZNP1188	Cancer Sucks!™	Chemo Therapy.	It's worse than the psycho kind.
1	ZNP1189	Cancer Sucks!™	Chemotherapy takes a toll on your schedule, drains your physical reserves, and is costly in so many other ways.	But I'll bet you're going to end up saving a bundle on haircuts.
2	ZNP1191	Birthday/Aging	Not every cloud has a silver lining.	But when you're with your friends, I've noticed that just about every head does.
2	ZNP1192	Relationships	It's so hard to settle on a good way to refer to a person you spend a lot of time with. Girlfriend and boyfriend both seem kind of childish. Partner sounds too businesslike. Ball-and-chain is clearly out of the question. Significant other just makes the w	I guess that's why I prefer to call you my INsignificant other.
2	ZNP1193	Miscellaneous	About the time you hit menopause, your boobs are sagging, your butt's sagging, your mood is sagging,... even your perspiration control is sagging.	So why isn't your bitchiness sagging?
1	ZNP1194	Birthday/Aging	I've always been told that as people get older they get wiser.	I've also been told that there are exceptions to every rule.
2	ZNP1195	Special Occ. Baby	A new baby! Drooling, whining, helpless, and in constant need of attention.	Should fit right in!
2	ZNP1196	Miscellaneous	Roses are red, Violets are blue.	Kind of makes you wonder if a lot of poets are color blind.
1	ZNP1197	Birthday/Aging	Some people just keep growing more beautiful with age.	You're living proof that this is not always the case.
2	ZNP1198	Miscellaneous	Natural selection tends to weed out less well-adapted animals in favor of those who are more intelligent, innovative, and sexually attractive.	You'+E87re what's called an "evolutionary anomaly".
2	ZNP1199	Miscellaneous	Laugh and the world laughs with you.	Get too serious and the world laughs at you.
2	ZNP1200	Miscellaneous	To be or not to be?	Is that really a question?
2	ZNP1201	Birthday/Aging	You may be aging, but you still look young and beautiful.	I was raised to say nice things, even if it means I have to lie through my teeth.
2	ZNP1202	Special Occ. Graduation	You're graduating! What an unbelievable adventure.	Unbelievable is the key word here.
2	ZNP1203	Special Occ. Graduation	Congratulations on your graduation.	Now what?
2	ZNP1204	Special Occ. Graduation	It's such a challenge getting through years of school, passing the tests, and finally earning that degree.	Frankly, it's kind of surprising you made it.
2	ZNP1205	Relationships	I enjoy expressing affection for all animals.	But I especially like petting your kitty.
2	ZNP1207	Miscellaneous	If at first you don't succeed...	...blame it on the liberals, then hire an illegal to get it done for substandard wages.
2	ZNP1209	Miscellaneous Divorce	Divorce isn't the perfect solution.	But let's face it: It's better than life in prison for Murder One.
2	ZNP1211	Miscellaneous Divorce	It's tough getting rid of a spouse, but you'll probably bounce back.	It really all depends on how you go about it.... Some guns have a much more powerful recoil than others.
2	ZNP1213	Miscellaneous Divorce	Marriage is a commitment to love one another through good and bad, though thick and thin, for the rest of your life.	Divorce is acknowledgement that it was a bad idea.
2	ZNP1214	Miscellaneous Divorce	Before you go too far with this divorce thing, you really should consider some alternatives.	Like manslaughter.
2	ZNP1216	Miscellaneous Divorce	Divorce... Shame. Sadness. Depression. Trauma. Helplessness.	That shit's just for show. Inside I'm having a celebration.
2	ZNP1217	Miscellaneous Divorce	It's so difficult to discuss divorce rationally. To make things easier and less confrontational, just cut off the back of this card, fill it out, and pass it on.	Hey, Shithead. Our relationship is over because: • You're an asshole. • You don't see things my way. • I finally realized that all my friends are right about you. • You're a major asshole. • Marriage protocol demands monogamy, and you're not following protocol. • You're a flaming asshole. • I've decided it's pointless to live with someone I don't like. • I would rather French kiss the neighbor's dog's than you. • You're a complete fucking asshole.
2	ZNP1218	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	You gave birth to me, fed me, clothed me, gave me shelter, and raised me to be competent, intelligent, and self-assured.	But I still can't believe you had sex with Dad.
2	ZNP1219	Miscellaneous Moving	Things are going to be so much quieter around here after you're gone.	Finally.
2	ZNP1220	Miscellaneous Moving	I'm sure gonna miss you when you're gone.	Mainly because, when you're around, I'm repeatedly reminded of my own superiority.
2	ZNP1221	Birthday/Aging	If I look as good as you when I get to be your age...	At least I'll be thankful I'm still breathing.
1	ZNP1222	Birthday/Aging	Sometimes, as I notice people around me growing older, I pause and take a long critical look at myself in the mirror.	Then I smile and think, "Damn, I look good!"
2	ZNP1223	Relationships	Last night, while I was sleeping, I started dreaming of you... ...so I woke myself up.	I didn't want to have to wash the sheets again.
1	ZNP1224	Birthday/Aging	You look better than you did when you were HALF the age you are now.	That is, if you're the kind of person who thinks that "better" is the same as "less bad".
2	ZNP1225	Relationships	You probably don't know how much I love you.	If you did, you would probably dump me for being an obsessive creep.
2	ZNP1226	Relationships	I love everything about you.	Of course, there are certain parts that I find particularly fascinating.
2	ZNP1227	Relationships	I truly enjoy the pleasure of your company.	For some reason, that sounds so much better than "Wow, you're hot!"
2	ZNP1228	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	Mom, you have always been beautiful.	I guess that's the reason behind my own uncanny good looks.
2	ZNP1229	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	Dad, I have always been proud to share so many good traits with you.	Though, considering what Mom says when you're not around, I'm not so sure those shared traits aren't just coincidental.
2	ZNP1230	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	Growing up with you as a parent, I always thought I'd turn out a little screwed up.	As you can see, I'm not always wrong about everything.
2	ZNP1231	Special Occ. Graduation	My lifelong ambition has been to make something of my life.	Maybe you should give this idea a little thought yourself.
1	ZNP1232	Special Occ. Congratulations	Congratulations.	For whatever it is that everyone seems to think is so darned great.
2	ZNP1233	Miscellaneous	Life is good.	...especially when I'm successfully avoiding the festering squalor of humanity.
2	ZNP1234	Miscellaneous Thank You	I want to thank you for doing something selfless and kind.	So could you please do it?
2	ZNP1235	Miscellaneous Thank You	You have done something deserving of my deepest thanks.	No, wait, that was someone else. Well, anyway...Hi.
1	ZNP1236	Miscellaneous Thank You	I don't know how to express my thanks in a way big enough to symbolize how I feel about what you have done. But I'll try.	[in tiny text] Thank you.
2	ZNP1237	Relationships	I was thinking of that phrase "life's a bitch", and it made me think of someone I used to know. Then I remembered the phrase "Life sucks a big one"...	...and of course I thought of you.
2	ZNP1238	Cancer Sucks!™	Wearing a face mask while going through chemo will help protect against ugly little infections.	It also tends to hide your face from others, which takes care of that other ugly problem you've always had.
2	ZNP1239	Cancer Sucks!™	Since you were diagnosed with cancer, you've been getting a huge amount of attention.	When this is over, maybe you should just stick with obscurity.
2	ZNP1240	Relationships	What do you say we tie the knot?	But maybe not quite so tight this time. My wrists still burn a little.
2	ZNP1241	Relationships	I've been thinking we should take a really big step by offering each other our vows.	I'll vow to be even nicer to you if you vow to do everything I say without arguing about it.
2	ZNP1243	Cancer Sucks!™	I encourage you to stay healthy. You know, eat right, exercise, don't smoke, get healthy checkups and mammograms, and, in particular, avoid unnecessary carcinogens.	I like your boobs where they are.
2	ZNP1244	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	If there were more fathers like you in the world...	...things would really be in shit shape.
2	ZNP1245	Birthday/Aging	I'm twice as good at math as at least half the people I know, so believe me when I say...	...you look less than half as old as someone three times your age.
2	ZNP1246	Birthday/Aging	It's nice having a friend who's youthful and attractive and full of vitality.	Since it's your birthday, wouldn't it be nice if I were saying that about you?
2	ZNP1247	Miscellaneous Get Well	I don't like thinking about you knowing you're not feeling well.	Of course, I don't like thinking about you all that much anyway, but I do hope you get better.
2	ZNP1248	Birthday/Aging	Please act your age.	No, on second thought, there's really no good reason you shouldn't remain among the living.
2	ZNP1249	Birthday/Aging	Sure, you're getting pretty old, but I just know you're going to keep hanging in there for quite a while longer.	...if for no other reason than to keep fucking with the rest of us.
2	ZNP1250	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	There are so many things I have learned having you as a parent.	One of them is that I should always have insurance that covers psychotherapy and pharmaceuticals.
2	ZNP1251	Miscellaneous Mother/Father	As I have grown, I have always thought of you as a strong role model...a moral compass and guiding influence to help me develop and maintain a stable and fulfilling life of my own.	But now I know better.
2	ZNP1252	Special Occ. Graduation	Congraduations	Defined as: The result when otherwise wise and attentive educators are conned into allowing certain students to graduate.
2	ZNP1253	Birthday/Aging	I just realized how old you are.	Holy Shit!
2	ZNP1254	Miscellaneous Medical	Hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass.	Kinda like you.
2	ZNP1255	Miscellaneous Medical	Crohn's disease.	It's a bloody pain in the ass
2	ZNP1256	Miscellaneous Medical	You've got Crohn's disease? Oh, shit!	Really, go ahead. You probably can't help it.
2	ZNP1257	Miscellaneous	All is right with the world.	Or at least it's no shittier than usual.
2	ZNP1258	Miscellaneous	wtf?	No, really. WHAT the FUCK!?
2	ZNP1259	Miscellaneous	You're the best.	(Like you've always said.)
2	ZNP1260	Birthday/Aging	As I age, I'm beginning to show disturbing signs of early-onset Alzheimer's, but there are actually some positive side-effects.	Recently, for example, I tend to assume I might like you each and every time I meet you for the first time.
2	ZNP1261	Cancer Sucks!™	Chemotherapy usually makes all your hair fall out. ALL of it.	Well, at least you'll get a break from those painful bikini waxes.
2	ZNP1262	Cancer Sucks!™	You've been getting quite an education in B cells, C cells and T cells.	It's hard to say whether that's better or worse than spending the same amount of time educating yourself in prison cells.
2	ZNPH002	Holiday Halloween	The only real difference between a witch and a bitch is the pointy hat.	And your disguise is perfect either way.
2	ZNPH004	Holiday Halloween	All this talk about ghosts and goblins scares me.	We'd better sleep together so you can keep me safe.
2	ZNPH006	Holiday Halloween	Whatever costume you choose for Halloween...	I want you to know I've always liked your birthday suit the best.
2	ZNPH007	Holiday Halloween	If the Great Pumpkin finally arrives this year...	...I'm really going to therapy.
2	ZNPH008	Holiday Halloween	All the little kids trick-or-treating in their Halloween costumes are always so cute.	And all the teenagers trick-or-treating without costumes should be taken aside and beaten.
2	ZNPH009	Holiday Halloween	On Halloween, lots of people wear weird outfits and eat unhealthy treats, and sometimes they really scare me.	In all those respects, I guess Halloween's not really all that different from a normal day.
2	ZNPH010	Holiday Halloween	How about a costume party for just the two of us?	We can both dress up as nudists.
2	ZNPH011	Holiday Halloween	Trick or Treat.	Is that really a Halloween thing, or is it just a general observation about life as we know it?
2	ZNPV001	Holiday Valentine's	You're my valentine.	I can tell because in my mind I always see you with a heart on.
2	ZNPV002	Holiday Valentine's	Every time you leave...	it's like an arrow through my heart.
2	ZNPV003	Holiday Valentine's	Be mine.	Or I'll cry like a baby.
2	ZNPV004	Holiday Valentine's	Let's forego gross consumerism this year by forgetting about the bouquet of flowers, the box of candy, and the expensive dinner.	What do you say we just skip to where you tell me how wonderful I am, I smother you with kisses, and we hop in the sack?
2	ZNPV005	Holiday Valentine's	Valentine, if you want my heart...	You had better hope my insurance premiums are paid up.
2	ZNPV006	Holiday Valentine's	I think I should tell you that you're my favorite Valentine, because I think it will really make you happy.	But I won't, because that would be lying.
2	ZNPV007	Holiday Valentine's	When I'm near you, I have this intense prickly sensation in my heart, like Cupid is filling it with little love arrows.	But it's probably just heartburn or maybe a minor heart condition.
2	ZNPV008	Holiday Valentine's	It would really make my day if you asked me to be your Valentine.	Even though we would both know you're just humoring me.
2	ZNPV009	Holiday Valentine's	I love you.	Weird, huh?
2	ZNPV010	Holiday Valentine's	If we were in a country song...	...my dog and I would be sharing the double-wide with no one but you.
2	ZNPV011	Holiday Valentine's	You know what's always better than doing something alone?	Doin' it with you.
2	ZNPV013	Holiday Valentine's	Valentine's Day is for lovers.	You know...like us.
2	ZNPV014	Holiday Valentine's	Valentine's Day is a special day observed once a year for people like you and me to profess steadfast love for each other...	...and fuck like bunnies.
2	ZNPV1015	Holiday Valentine's	Every time I think of you...	My crotch twitches. (Happy Valentine's Day.)
2	ZNPV1025	Holiday Valentine's	There's only one thing better than you with almost nothing on...	You with absolutely nothing on. (Happy Valentine's Day.)
2	ZNPV1032	Holiday Valentine's	In case you hadn't noticed...	I've got the hots for you. (Happy Valentine's Day.)
2	ZNPV1057	Holiday Valentine's	Whenever I'm near you...	I wanna lock lips. (Happy Valentine's Day.)
2	ZNPV1069	Holiday Valentine's	You know how Eskimos supposedly kiss by rubbing noses?	Every time I think of your nose, mine tingles. (Happy Valentine's Day.)
2	ZNPV1142	Holiday Valentine's	Roses are red, Violets are blue...	I get really horny When I'm around you. (Happy Valentine's Day.)
2	ZNPV1158	Holiday Valentine's	You're the hottest thing in pants.	You're even hotter with no pants. (Happy Valentine's Day.)
2	ZNPV1185	Holiday Valentine's	I can't love you any more.	The needle on my love meter is already tilted all the way to the right.
2	ZNPV1225	Holiday Valentine's	You probably don't know how much I love you.	If you did, you would probably dump me for being an obsessive creep.
2	ZNPV1226	Holiday Valentine's	I love everything about you.	Of course, there are certain parts that I find particularly fascinating.
2	ZNPV1227	Holiday Valentine's	I truly enjoy the pleasure of your company.	For some reason, that sounds so much better than "Wow, you're hot!"
2	ZNPX001	Holiday Christmas	You know what a mess little birds make when they shit in mid air?	Just think what Santa's reindeer must do.
2	ZNPX002	Holiday Christmas	"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth."	You, on the other hand, might want to go ahead and ask for a whole new face.
2	ZNPX003	Holiday Christmas	Oh, the weather outside is frightful...	And so is the idea of a walking, talking, pipe-smoking snowman named Frosty.
2	ZNPX004	Holiday Christmas	I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.	A white-sandy-beach Christmas, that is.
2	ZNPX006	Holiday Christmas	If you wake up in the wee hours of Christmas morning to the sound of sleighbells, and there's a jolly, plump man in a Santa suit in your house...	Open the door, run like hell, and don't look back.
2	ZNPX007	Holiday Christmas	You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen? Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen?	Me neither.
2	ZNPX008	Holiday Christmas	Imagine a land where creatures that are shorter than you and look quite a bit different work all year long making toys for Santa Claus to give to children on Christmas, for little reward other than the knowledge that these toys will be a joy to kids they	But sometimes it's called China's Sweatshop.
2	ZNPX009	Holiday Christmas	As the holiday season approaches...	Don't hesitate to call if you've forgotten my size.
2	ZNPX010	Holiday Christmas	The act of giving is such a rewarding experience.	Especially if you're on the receiving end.
2	ZNPX011	Holiday Christmas	Tis better to give than to receive.	I'm willing to help you better yourself.
2	ZNPX012	Holiday Christmas	May the season fill your home with joy.	And lots of really good gifts.
2	ZNPX013	Holiday Christmas	On Christmas Eve, expect Santa Claus to deliver lots of goodies to your home.	But only if his lines of good-girl-and-boy communication have been down all year.
2	ZNPX014	Holiday Christmas	We're staying home for the holidays. If you're planning something fun like skiing...	Break a leg.
2	ZNPX015	Holiday Christmas	You know who I'm planning on kissing under the mistletoe this year?	Don't tell me it isn't obvious.
2	ZNPX016	Holiday Christmas	Sometimes it's difficult to select just the right Christmas outfit.	Just be thankful you have more choices than Santa.
2	ZNPX017	Holiday Christmas	"He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good,..."	Wow, creepy.
2	ZNPX018	Holiday Christmas	I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.	It's kind of like catching your parents having sex.
2	ZNPX019	Holiday Christmas	I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.	Boy, Daddy's gonna be pissed.
2	ZNPX020	Holiday Christmas	I would ask if you have been naughty or nice this year...	...but I already know you've been nice and naughty - just the way I like you.
2	ZNPY001	Holiday New Year's	Why not skip the new year's resolutions this year?	There's not a chance in hell you can fix all your problems anyway.
2	ZNPY002	Holiday New Year's	Happy New Year!	Let's hope it doesn't suck as much as the last one.
2	ZNPY004	Holiday New Year's	The New Year's celebration is just one more way to mark the time as we all slowly deteriorate through the years.	Crappy New Year.
2	ZNPY005	Holiday New Year's	Happy New Year! Stay up late, drink champagne, watch the fireworks, and party as you usher in the new year.	Personally, I'll be lucky to keep my eyes open 'til you get started.
2	ZNPY006	Holiday New Year's	New Year's resolution?	Wouldn't that basically be admitting to a flaw?
2	ZNPY007	Holiday New Year's	Out with the old, in with the new.	I guess this is goodbye.
2	ZNPY008	Holiday New Year's	New Year's resolutions never, ever work.	Just try resolving to develop a lasting romantic relationship. I mean seriously, can you imagine?
2	ZNPY009	Holiday New Year's	The year is over.	Thank fucking god.
2	ZNPY010	Holiday New Year's	Another year down. Really down.	How could the next one be worse?
2	ZNPY011	Holiday New Year's	I've heard that a good yet achievable New Year's resolution is to eliminate just one thing you can live without.	You're on my short list.