Titles - Text Only

Zippernut Press™	Zippernut Press™ Titles (Text View)
	Browse the titles below. They are listed by Item # within these categories: Birthdays & Aging Relationships, Love & Sex Special Occasions Miscellaneous Cancer Sucks! Valentine's Day Halloween Christmas New Year's If you are a reseller and want a printed catalog, call us. There is a $10 charge for each printed catalog, which will be applied toward your next order. Each card is listed with its item number, the text on the front, and the inside sentiment. If your browser can display images, try viewing the image version.

	Birthdays & Aging
	Item #	Front of Card	Inside of Card
	ZNP1001	I can't believe you just turned a year older.	Looks more like ten. (Happy Birthday.)
	ZNP1008	Another year older and you still look so young!	Just kidding. (Happy Birthday.)
	ZNP1010	I know that you’re younger than me.	But who could tell?
	ZNP1037	Every one, no matter how healthy, no matter how wealthy, no matter how important or insignificant, eventually fades and dies.	Bummer.
	ZNP1042	Happy Birthday! Wow, another year older.	I don't care what everyone else says. I don’t think you look feeble.
	ZNP1043	If it makes you feel any better…	You're not as old as you look.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1044	I've heard of people getting “long in the teeth” as they get older.	But you seem to be getting kind of “long in the teats”.
	ZNP1045	Four score and seven years ago…	Is about the time you were born, isn't it?
	ZNP1046	You never told me about when you were born.	Did your parents scream out loud or just cry quietly?
	ZNP1065	I can say in all honesty...	You don't look a day over 100.
	ZNP1066	As they get older, most people get slower and clumsier, develop gray hair and wrinkles, and start to forget things.	I guess you're not as strange as I thought.
	ZNP1073	Why is it that every year I look a year older…	And every year you look like you did in high school?
	ZNP1074	Congratulations on yet another 29th birthday.	Whatever.
	ZNP1102	You’ve come to an age where you no longer need to wear a bra.	Now you can just tuck 'em in.
	ZNP1103	Men appreciate a little jiggle when you walk.	But that’s supposed to be when you’re walking toward them.
	ZNP1104	Sometimes, thinking about getting older makes me want to tear my hair out.	Looks like you’ve been feeling the same way.
	ZNP1105	I’m blinded by my love for you.	Or maybe it’s just the reflection from the top of your head.
	ZNP1106	There are a lot of benefits to getting older.	But I can’t think of a single one.
	ZNP1107	As people age, they become wiser and more mature.	You must be a lot younger than you look.
	ZNP1108	I admire people who have become old and wise like you.	But I would rather be young and stupid like me.
	ZNP1109	If you have a little trouble blowing out your birthday candles this year…	…turn around and bend over. That should take care of it.
	ZNP1110	As you get older, your eyes start to play tricks on you.	[Overlapping text]
	ZNP1111	Sorry I missed your birthday. It’s not that I wasn’t thinking about you…	It’s just that I didn’t care.
	ZNP1112	I thought about you on your birthday.	Then, after a few milliseconds, you completely slipped my mind.
	ZNP1127	If you find yourself looking in the mirror and thinking you just don’t look as young and attractive as you used to…	…at least you know your eyesight is still pretty good.
	ZNP1128	You know you’re getting old if you want to clean the lint out of your belly button…	…but your breasts are in the way.
	ZNP1129	You’re officially old if you can soak in the bathtub for an hour…	…and come out with LESS wrinkles.
	ZNP1131	Remember when you used to buy underwear described by words like “lace”, “string” and “silk”?	Now the best you can hope for are the words "super absorbent".
	ZNP1140	You remind me of those ads for age-defying cream.	You know, the "before" pictures?
	ZNP1148	You're still as beautiful as the day you were born.	Of course at the time you were wrinkly, whiny, virtually bald, and covered with goo.
	ZNP1149	I was thinking that maybe this year, instead of traditional birthday gifts,…	…we could all just pitch in with contributions toward your memorial marker.
	ZNP1150	The older you get, the more beautiful you become.	That never really has sounded very believable, has it?
	ZNP1151	When I was younger and my parents were about the age you are now…	…boy, did they seem old.
	ZNP1152	So many people, when they get to be your age,…	…are dead.
	ZNP1153	The last time I was with someone who looked as good as you…	…I was helping the old fart move from “assisted living” to “skilled nursing”.
	ZNP1162	Like fine wines, some people get better with age.	Unfortunately, you’re aging more like a warm wedge of Limburger.
	ZNP1163	At your age, you could wear a push-up bra…	…and the contents would still hover somewhere near your waist.
	ZNP1164	You look as trim and fit as you did ten years ago.	Just brushing up on my little white lies.
	ZNP1165	I've heard that a man's genitalia begins to shrink in his twilight years.	I didn't realize you were that old.

	Relationships, Love & Sex
	Item #	Front of Card	Inside of Card
	ZNP1007	My mother always told me I'd find the perfect person to spend the rest of my life with.	I guess you’ll do.
	ZNP1011	Now seems like the right time to tell you how perfect you are.	Except for several annoying little traits that I have written down, but now doesn't seem like the right time to tell you about those.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1015	Every time I think of you…	My crotch twitches.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1016	Every time you sit on your favorite chair…	I wish it were me.
	ZNP1022	Don't question my compassion for you. If you were on a feeding tube…	I’d gladly withhold fluids.
	ZNP1023	We've been together so long…	I can't even remember why.
	ZNP1024	I love you.	Especially when you’re naked.
	ZNP1025	There's only one thing better than you with almost nothing on…	You with absolutely nothing on.
	ZNP1026	If you loved me like I love you…	You wouldn't be able to keep your hands off me.
	ZNP1027	There are so many things I'd like to do with you.	And I'm pretty sure a few of them are illegal.
	ZNP1028	Whenever I get up on the wrong side of the bed…	I want it to be because you were on the other side.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1029	I like being me.	But I would also like being your lingerie.
	ZNP1030	The best thing about you…	Is that you like me.
	ZNP1031	I love you.	For no apparent reason.
	ZNP1032	In case you hadn't noticed…	I've got the hots for you.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1033	I would love to go with you to a romantic dinner for two, the theater, and maybe a little dancing before taking you home and hopping into bed.	Or we could just skip all that preliminary crap.
	ZNP1034	I don't know what you see in me.	But I'm glad that you see it.
	ZNP1035	If your parents hadn't hated me so much, we probably wouldn't have stayed together.	Let's remember to thank them.
	ZNP1036	I've always loved big, strong men with riveting eyes and sculpted features.	But I like you, too.
	ZNP1047	If we were rich, we would probably sleep in separate beds.	Fortunately, our net worth is negative.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1048	I've been worrying lately about your health.	Maybe we should switch to the padded handcuffs.
	ZNP1050	You're the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me… the most loving, adorable, caring person I've ever known… the one I truly cherish…	You're not really falling for this crap, are you?
	ZNP1052	I am sorry, but I find it necessary to terminate our relationship for the following reason(s)…	ª You're stupid ª You're mean ª I found someone better ª Spending time with you has made me realize how much I like being alone ª I just figured out that I don't like you ª I had planned on a monogamous relationship ª You're not my type ª You're not good enough for me ª I'm too good for you
	ZNP1057	Whenever I'm near you…	I wanna lock lips.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1058	I know I haven't been very good lately.	Please spank me.
	ZNP1059	If you weren't the mother of my children…	I'd want you to be the mother of my children.
	ZNP1060	Whenever I'm near you, I get weak in the knees.	Maybe you should reconsider your choice of personal hygiene products.
	ZNP1061	You have proven yourself to be a wonderful mother.	I guess I was right to knock you up.
	ZNP1062	I wouldn't hesitate to give you first place in the contest for Best Mother.	If it weren't for Bambi’s mom.
	ZNP1069	You know how Eskimos supposedly kiss by rubbing noses?	Every time I think of your nose, mine tingles.
	ZNP1088	You’re the perfect Dad.	Here’s where you say, “It’s easy when you have the perfect child. Do you need anything, like a new car?”
	ZNP1089	Being the mother of your children has made me so happy.	But don’t even think of doing that to me again!
	ZNP1090	You’re one of the best dads in the world.	Too bad you’re not mine.
	ZNP1091	If I were your child…	…I’d be proud to call you my father.
	ZNP1092	You’re the best dad I could have asked for.	If I had asked for another one, you probably would have smacked me.
	ZNP1093	I could watch you sleep for hours on end.	But I would rather sleep for hours on end while you work.
	ZNP1095	You’re my best friend.	Except when you’re really pissing me off.
	ZNP1096	I think I’d have to say that you’re my favorite person to hang around with.	If you were.
	ZNP1099	I think we get along so well because we both have similar interests.	Me.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1114	I love gazing at you, touching you, kissing you, fondling you…	It’s too bad you’re both usually tucked away inside a bra.
	ZNP1116	You’re perfect.	Just like me.
	ZNP1120	I love you like nobody’s business.	And what I’d love to do with you is nobody’s business, either.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1121	There's something I've been wanting to say, but it never seems like it's going to come out the right way…	You're my favorite fuck buddy.
	ZNP1123	Mom, I love you, and I would love to take you on an all-day shopping adventure.	Bring your credit cards. Don't worry, I'll pay for lunch.
	ZNP1124	Mom, it's easy to see where my good looks come from.	And Dad still looks pretty good, doesn't he?
	ZNP1125	Dad, I think I've turned out pretty well due to your influence.	Thanks for being Mom's sperm donor.
	ZNP1126	I love you so much it hurts.	I think it might have something to do with that knife twisting back and forth between my shoulder blades.
	ZNP1130	You are the most wonderful mother.	No, I haven’t been drinking.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1142	Roses are red, Violets are blue…	I get really horny When I'm around you.
	ZNP1143	How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…	Give me a minute, I'm thinking…
	ZNP1145	When I close my eyes, concentrate, and visualize perfection…	I see you.
	ZNP1155	I often lie in bed at night dreaming of celestial beings and heavenly bodies.	But not all my dreams are about you.
	ZNP1158	You're the hottest thing in pants.	You're even hotter with no pants.
	ZNP1159	If I could choose between a rich, sexy, witty, popular movie star and you, just the way you are…	…of course I'd take the movie star.
	ZNP1166	You're pretty good looking when I'm sober, and after I've had a few drinks…	…you even make sense.

	Special Occasion
	Item #	Front of Card	Inside of Card
	ZNP1003	I can’t believe you’re pregnant!	What were you thinking?
	ZNP1005	When I heard you were getting married, I was so happy for you.	Then I remembered who you're marrying.
	ZNP1006	I was so happy to hear about your fantastic news.	Then I remembered I don’t like you.
	ZNP1013	Congratulations on your promotion.	I didn’t even know you actually worked.
	ZNP1040	Congratulations on your new baby!	Let's hope like hell it inherits the best traits from each of you.
	ZNP1075	Congratulations on your graduation. It’s the end of an era of studying, partying, testing, and summer vacations, and the beginning of an era of work, responsibility, stress, and long-term financial planning that will last until you die.	Boy, are you screwed.
	ZNP1086	Happy Retirement! For a while, I was wondering how you’d handle having all that time on your hands with nothing productive to do.	Then I realized that’s no different from what you’ve been doing for years.
	ZNP1087	Congratulations on your new job!	Did you use a stand-in for your interview, or is your new employer just that stupid?
	ZNP1100	I’m sorry you’re leaving.	But that’s just me. I don’t think anyone else is.
	ZNP1122	So you’re graduating…	They just don't flunk anyone any more, do they?
	ZNP1156	It’s great to hear you got a new job.	They must not have checked your references.

	Miscellaneous
	Item #	Front of Card	Inside of Card
	ZNP1002	It seems like forever since I've heard from you.	Thanks.
	ZNP1004	I've always thought you were one of the most wonderful people in the world.	It seems I've been wrong about so many things.
	ZNP1009	When I think of how long it's been since we've seen each other…	I’m so thankful.
	ZNP1012	Morning sickness. Hormonal rollercoasters. Childbirth. 3AM feedings. Carpool. Playgroups. Teenage angst. College tuition. Motherhood is hell.	You’re a saint.
	ZNP1014	If we weren’t related…	You’d be my best friend anyway.
	ZNP1017	You’re my favorite person.	If you don’t count me.
	ZNP1018	If I had a nickel for every time we've talked to each other in the last year…	I’d be lucky to have 5¢. Miss you.
	ZNP1019	You were right. I was wrong. You were right. I was wrong. You were right. I was wrong.	I’m sorry.
	ZNP1020	I hear your ex got hurt in a freak accident.	Tee-hee.
	ZNP1021	Every time I look at you…	I feel so much better about myself.
	ZNP1038	…And God made man in His own image. And God said,…	“Hold on, that can't be right!”
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1039	And on the seventh day He rested. And God said,…	“I wonder how much trouble these two little shits can get into?”
	ZNP1041	Have fun visiting your relatives.	Try to come back alive.
	ZNP1049	Our creator gave us free will.	Maybe that was a mistake.
	ZNP1051	Whenever you speak, I listen and wonder…	Does it hurt you to talk as much as it hurts me to listen?
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1053	You have always been more popular than me, but I've learned to accept it and it doesn't bother me so much any more.	Bitch.
	ZNP1054	The best things in life are free.	Of course, the things you actually need cost money.
	ZNP1055	I want to pay you back for all the expenses you have incurred on my behalf throughout my life.	Unfortunately, I can't afford to.
	ZNP1056	Life is just a bowl of cherries.	And I'm drowning in all that maraschino muck at the bottom.
	ZNP1063	As a mother, you have experienced the discomfort of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, and zillions of minor trials and tribulations since then.	Better you than me.
	ZNP1064	Divorce is no laughing matter.	But you're right, that loser's a joke.
	ZNP1067	I like modern art.	I just don't like looking at most of it.
	ZNP1068	You're the kind of friend that everyone should have.	The kind that gives really good gifts.
	ZNP1070	I hear you've acquired a new "significant other".	I hope it's not a hopeless fixer-upper like the last one.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1071	Today is the first day of the rest of your life.	Don't fuck it up.
	ZNP1072	I made a list of my five best friends, and you didn't make the cut.	You were beat out by Margarita, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Tom Collins, and Bloody Mary.
	ZNP1076	Dogs are man's best friend.	But chicks are pretty fun, too.
	ZNP1077	I love dogs.	Maybe that's why I like you so much.
Rated "R" for Rowdy Adult Humor	ZNP1078	Dogs are so cool.	There's just no other pet that will clean up its own puke, lick its own genitals, and eat anything else's shit.
	ZNP1079	Cats are almost perfect as pets.	It’s just that one weird thing where they seem to think humans want to lick their butts for them.
	ZNP1080	A lot of people like cats because they're so independent.	Others like them because they're easy to dispose of.
	ZNP1081	I don't understand all the fuss over nuclear weapons.	After all, during the nuclear winter it probably won't get so darned hot during the summer.
	ZNP1082	Global warming doesn't exist.	It's merely a temporary multi-continental climatic shift, and will correct itself naturally during the first 100,000 or so years after all of us stupid humans die.
	ZNP1083	All the weird stuff going on in the world right now really boggles the mind.	But that's probably not a new sensation for you, is it?
	ZNP1084	I think anyone should be allowed to smoke in public if they want to.	And, by the same token, I think that I should be allowed to: • fart in small, crowded spaces. • sneeze without covering my mouth. • spit on the sidewalk. • pick my nose and wipe the snot on strangers. • force feed small doses of carcinogenic substances to young children.
	ZNP1085	Life in the suburbs is pleasant.	It's so comforting to feel that you're exactly the same as everybody else.
	ZNP1094	I say kill off anyone who has a different religion, culture, skin tone, or belief system.	I’m sure I’ll be happy when I’m the only one left.
	ZNP1097	You’re my favorite teacher.	Can I have an A?
	ZNP1098	I’m so bummed to hear you’re moving away.	Can I have your clothes?
	ZNP1101	Here’s to a speedy recovery.	With any luck, you’ll turn out better than you started.
	ZNP1113	Get well.	Physically, at least. I don’t think anyone really expects much from you mentally.
	ZNP1115	I've thought a lot about our differences, and I really think we should get things cleared up. Let’s pretend for a moment that I'm a delicious, piping hot pastry, and you're hungry.	Bite me.
	ZNP1117